Friday, May 19, 2006

What Abortion Really Looks Like


You have my total permission to re-print my story. If it helps stop any one from making this horrible mistake, or helps anyone who has made this mistake, I am all for it.

Hello whoever you are,

I guess I'm just reaching out to tell my story, or maybe get this off my chest, to warn other people. I am a " sinner, baby killer and whore". I was never told how much I would hurt after this. I was never told that I would re-live the event everyday. I was never told I could feel the life being sucked from my womb. They made it sound easy, simple, painless and made it sound all right.

It is regret. It is feeling dirty.

Had I known it would hurt so much emotionally. I would not have proceeded. Had some one told me, that this would be stuck with me forever. I would never have entered the clinic.
It has only been two days since my mistake.

Friday night my now ex boyfriend was arrested for domestic violence charges against me. He had hit me several times. I was six weeks pregnant. I was given council about what I could do and what not. I had spoken with a "friend" and she said " Get an abortion, you'll hate the kid forever"

Saturday morning I found myself outside of the planned parenthood facility. It was the day before mother's day. It was a fact that hit me moments before entering. There were many people trying to hand me literature. One with a rosary, one young lady yelled at me " It's ok, you can be a mother". Her words ran through me like electricity. It made the decision so much harder.

After being in the clinic for about two hours I was finally called in. I could not afford the anesthesia, so I was awake the entire procedure. They told me I would feel a little pressure. It felt as if someone was ripping me open. "You'll feel a little prick and numbness" I felt the needle, and still felt the pain. I screamed. I tried to hold the nurses hand, but she had pulled away. I felt every move that doctor made. I heard them vacuum the child from my womb. When it was all over, and too late, they just handed me a maxi pad and a damp cloth and walked out of the room. Having a bad reaction to the Novocain they injected into my cervix, cramping beyond no pain I've felt before, I put my clothes back on, silently. I was then escorted into a recovery room.

I was provided a pill that would shrink my cervix back to normal, and two extra strength Tylenol. Every other woman in the room was in shock. We laid there, heating pads over our stomachs, all regretting what we did. It was a common feeling in the air. Tears were shed. The nurses, they attempted to lighten the room. It made no difference. We killed our children. We gave into this horrible idea that it wasn't a person, that it was ok to murder.

I sit here today, incapable of going to work. I see people walking down the street, I know they have no way of knowing, but I still feel so awful.

If someone would of only gotten to me before I even was pregnant, before I even graduate high school. It would be different.

I wanted that child. It was never a mistake, a child is never a mistake. Getting rid of it was.

I wish I knew about your site before this.


At 9:12 AM, Blogger achromic said...

Dear Anon, I read your story and I am truely sorry for your greif. You are not alone in feeling that way. But you can live thru it and make it to the other side and find happiness again. One act that you regret is not the end of everything and I hope very much so that you give yourself a chance to find that out. One of my abortions (I had two with a very long time inbetween and if you want the whole story I can provide a link) was due to the abusive relationship I was in. While I was sad to lose my child, I was very happy that my child would not ever know his father and that G*d did not hate me because he got why I did what I did even if I strugled to explain it to myself. That doesn't mean I don't still some days strugle with what happened and why or that some days I am not really mad at G*d. I do not belive that a persons pain and greif are good reasons to change the laws but there are LOTS of women who do and they are good kind caring women. They even have a way of speaking out in a group called Silent No More........ which is about women who have experanced abortions but now they regreat it
They also have retreats that you can go to and I am even thinking of going to one........ but I got to wait until fall because nothing in my area is going on until then.
Good luck to you and hang in there. For me much of the greif I felt passed with in a year. Which seems horribly long when you are going thru it but in actual time isn't very much. And stay far far far away from the man that hit you.

At 6:23 PM, Blogger Sr. Lorraine said...

Dear Anon,
Thank you for sharing your story. Remember that God's mercy is endless and as it says in the book of Isaiah, even if our sins are like scarlet God will make them white as snow by his forgiveness.

At 10:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dr. Bernard Nathanson performed 10,000+ abortions, then assisted with 5000 others, then oversaw/trained others in many more.. He finally saw one day that it wasn't science, it wasn't mere nature.. he was killing something that was God's. He was converted in heart, and was accepted into the toughest church in the universe, via PFL's Fr. Pavone. I don't know how he got over his 20,000 deaths, but I know it had to have been hell when the reality began to sink in.. can one even begin to imagine? To kill an innocent being is a sin, yes, and it's not something anyone gets over, least of all the child. But turn it into humility to God, and make it into life for others in some way. I've lost 2 grandchildren.. one to abortion, one to adoption (and bless the couple who adopted!! They are fantastic..) I very nearly lost a third -- to abortion. I knew nothing of it.. I want you to know that it works out.. people will MAKE it work out. My life would be so blah if not for this kid I'm so nuts about -- he has blessed the lives of so many. And he started out very compromised, too. People will make it work out, I promise. Speak to Birthright if no one else listens.

Thanks for writing.. :-)

At 1:25 PM, Blogger Extreme_Ballroom_Dancing said...

I am truly sorry that your experience was as bad as this, but it does go to show that a woman's choice is not an easy decision to make.

I express my own opinion about the topic in a non-aggressive way; thusforth, while I respect your opinion, I request that you respect mine as well.

While there are women who regret their abortions and view the act as a "murder", the fact that there are other women who instead view it as a difficult, but necessary action to take, and others still who simply cannot go through with the pregnancy because of psychological, physical, or economic reasons. Some include being thrown out of their homes, losing their jobs, not being able to care for a child at that time because of a stressful family situation; the list spans past comprehension.

Rape occurs. Incest occurs. You can't take over a woman's bodily autonomy when you don't know the situation.

Every circumstance is different.

I have to go, but I'll continue this later...

At 12:21 AM, Blogger No One You Know said...

Wow, Julie, I read your personal story and you have an amazing mission in life. I'm so glad that you're acting so passionately and compassionately towards others. I had my oldest son at 17 and have been involved with counseling girls who are in similiar situations. Thank you for sharing your story and helping others!

At 8:42 AM, Blogger Silent Rain Drops said...

Thank you to those who have graciously responded to this woman's testimony. To avoid confusion, this is not my own - that can be found at the sidebar link. I reprinted it with permission as yet another example of the pain and suffering associated with abortion. I appreciate the kindness of all who have responded to this young woman's experience.

At 3:59 PM, Blogger Stand-up-girl said...

I have been deeply moved by your story. Although I have never had an abortion, I experienced a miscarriage this past May, and have suffered great loss, physical and emotional pain. I am very sorry that the advice given to you was wrong. I know from my experience in my life, that if you ask Jesus for forgiveness, he will see your heart, and will heal you from your pain. - Christine

At 5:49 AM, Blogger Silent Rain Drops said...

Christine, I love your site. Thank you for reading here and commenting.

At 6:03 AM, Blogger Silent Rain Drops said...

Christine, I also want to extend my sympathy to you for your recent loss of a child by miscarriage. This a deeply painful time in your life; your grief must seem overwhelming. I will keep you and your much-loved child in my prayers.

At 8:13 PM, Blogger Disturbed_angel said...

I'm sorry to hear that you feel regretful. But I however have another story to share.

When I was only a child myself I found myself in the most unthinkable situation. I was Pregnant. The thoughts running through my head was "oh no" How did this happen. Being young and naive I let this happen.

How could I provide a good life for a child because I was only a child myself. My mother was very supportive of my decision and to this day I beleive I made the right decision. Because of that decision I was able to finish my education and go on start a successful career. So instead of being another teenage mother on welare I had the oppertunity to grow myself.

So I think that in some cases yes abortion is wrong, but when you look at the life of a 13 year old child and the effects having the responsibility of a child would take from them. I beleive there should be choice.

At 8:03 PM, Blogger The Ex said...

What if you don't regret it? What does that say about you? Cause I don't. I made the right decision for me and I'm happy about it.

At 11:44 AM, Blogger Silent Rain Drops said...

Dear Ex,

I'm grateful to you for visiting my site and reading with care. There are many women who are in your position who respond negatively to those of us who are not happy about our abortions, and that is a shame - when you think about it, why can't we simply listen to each other and acknowledge each other's existence? After all, we are sisters under the skin.

I respect your right to say that you are not unhappy about your abortion, and that you have no regrets. I am sure that you have good reasons for feeling this way, just as we who have expressed pain have good reasons, too.

I don't know what it says about you or anyone else who is happy about having had an abortion. It isn't my place to judge that because I don't know your circumstances, and if, somewhere in this bog, I have said something judgmental in that regard, then I am deeply sorry. I created this site for the women who are not happy, and who are having problems, so I try to focus on that aspect of abortion - we are not a popular subject, and many people wish we would simply go away, so I saw a need for this forum.

Does your happiness make you a bad person? Not necessarily. It makes you someone who has rationalized a difficult decision - for good or for bad is up to a higher power to judge; and it is certainly not out of the range of possibilities for women to have abortions and feel all right after - not every soldier returns from war suffering from PTSD; not every police officer involved in a shooting on the job develops it, either. Some of us are predisposed; some of us undergo abortions under conditions which lead to psychological problems (coercion or force); some of us don't feel "bad" until some life-changing event, often many years after the abortion - which is not to say that you will, but it does happen quite often - death, divorce, the birth of a wanted child - these things can bring out hidden feelings in women who have them.

I wish you well, Ex, and will keep you in my prayers. Thanks again for commenting.


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