So you live from day to day
And you dream about tomorrow
But the hours go by like minutes
And the shadows come to stay
So you take a little something
To make them go away
And I could have done so many things baby
If I could only stop my mind
From wondering what I left behind
And from worrying about this wasted time
-Eagles, “Wasted Time”
What do you do when everything you thought was right, in God’s plan, in accordance with what seemed to be God-given gifts and insight – what do you do when it’s all disintegrated in front of you by an “elite” group of people who have complete control over these matters, who are so far above you that you deserve no explanation whatsoever for their decision regarding your most cherished hopes?
Do you doubt yourself? Do you begin to doubt that you ever had these insights to begin with? Do you wonder if you’re as smart as you thought, and whether you’ve been peddling bullshit to women who are on the verge of suicide, who share these private thoughts with you about abortion that affect them so deeply that they consider their own death preferable to the life they live after abortion?
Well, I suppose it depends on where we actually draw our strength – I am blessed not to put as much emphasis on the opinions of people – a strange blessing that results from knowing even as a young teen that adults and “professionals” can be very, very wrong. If that elite group of minds had been secular, belonging to some university that was steeped in the black box of Skinner, or in the hierarchy of self-awareness as designed by Maslow – well, then you could think that perhaps you had psychologically philosophical differences. If your transcripts and your essays and references from upstanding, well-informed, and highly educated people were invalid, then you could accept rejection. But since none of these things was true for me, I am left feeling that they were simply and humanly curious enough to peek behind that side show tent at the circus freaks, to see in person what this was they had before them.
I made it all the way through the interview process – my references were excellent and without question. I had good transcripts, old as they were. And I hold what I believe to be the Catholic teaching about life, something which was never questioned. I was invited to spend a great deal of personal money to travel to the school to interview. I did my very best to carry the honesty of what I write to all of you with me. I promise you I will never be false to my own beliefs, whether you agree with them or not, and it’s an honor flag I wear with the pride of our Creator, to whom belongs all honor. So when I was faced with these educated “professionals,” I spoke to them as I speak to you, my friends and visitors to this site – I was honest. And rest assured that what I give you here is all of myself. Yet, still, I have not been challenged by anyone of merit when it comes to what we have learned here together. Do I make them uncomfortable? Oh, yes, I think so. But God does not prohibit that. If I do not make you feel uneasy, then I have failed to touch you personally – if you aren’t uneasy, then you must read elsewhere, or determine that you do not need my insight.
So much time and anguish passed as I awaited the life-changing decision of this graduate school. In personal respects, the sacrifice we would make was very great – these are bad economic times for us all. But we were willing to make these economic and personal sacrifices, if God had wanted to open this door. At least we were, until one day when I still had not heard from the school positively or negatively (not unexpectedly considering the time frame I’d been given), and I, with a great outpouring of emotion, decided that I could not, and would not, make these sacrifices, which required separation from those I love most. The gifts I have been given by God in my life are not so easily given up for “my own good,” a message I had to hear in order to force my abortion when I was a teenager, unable to express in words what I knew in my mind, heart, and soul as far as what was right, and what was wrong. I will never again in my life make someone else suffer for my selfish needs. Perhaps I didn’t “need” what was offered after all.
It’s one thing to reject an offer one has not been given. It’s quite another to face that the offer was not forthcoming, which I learned the very day after I had expressed to my loved one that I was unwilling to make the sacrifices required. On the blessed side of it, I will never have to wonder if my decision was made in ignorance of God's plan. He made it very clear that it wasn’t to be at all. I am fortunate that He allowed me to come to the conclusion that I didn’t want it before I knew it would not be offered.
But to face the truth that I was not wanted, with no explanation, not even a simple line that would explain why, and help me justify the huge expense I incurred at their request to travel to the school to interview – interviews, which, in all honesty, consisted of the most inane questions. The answers to these questions were there, in the essays I was asked to submit, in the blog work to which I referred them: there was no need to waste our time if my status as a post-abortive woman was their concern. And I did the proper thing, post-interview, and wrote to each person with whom I met with gratitude and supplemented what I had said in our respective interviews in a well-thought out manner.
I won’t pretend to know what happened. It is academia, which operates in its own little world, no matter how much they may want to pretty it up and claim consecration to those who deserve our honor – Our Lady of Guadalupe, for example – something I actually took as a good sign, since it is the only vision of our Lady acknowledged by the Church as the Mother of our Lord when she was pregnant with Him.
God’s plans are not always what we expect. His will does not always coincide with our personal goals. And unfortunately, He does not always give us the blueprint for what it is He really wants. But one thing I do know for sure- I have had recent and ongoing commentary on this BlogSpot on articles written two or more years ago. I respond to them all. I still show up high on the Google list. I recently had the opportunity to speak to a dear religious about my experience which leads me to believe she may look at her own views in a different way.
What I have said here in this forum still has meaning, and still touches hearts and minds of those who need it. I have not had support to continue this small “ministry” in recent years, and that affected my regular writings – but that has changed. And so have I. You may look forward to more commentary now, and put me back on the list of your active bloggers, if I ever merited that honor.
The people who need to hear what I have to say: the women who need to hear, “me, too,” mean more to me than any number of graduate degrees in the world. I will not forsake this opportunity to be the voice that is recognized by women who have walked in my shoes; nor will I abandon it because I hear from others that this work is fruitless – their reasons for saying such things range from the selfish to the grandiose – if I have such great ideas, then the world should know. But I make no claim to that: I am only one wounded soul in an ocean of drowning people. We will do more in the very near future – you will be able to see and hear me on video. It is His work, and I have been strengthened by Him to continue it, even though some (oh, but not all!) who consider themselves Catholic have determined that my contribution is worthless to them.
More to come. I am not gone; I never left you. I was quiet for awhile. That is normal for someone in my position. But rest assured, we – myself and my constant reader who walks the dark caves with me as we bear the light of God before us – we are not finished. There is so much ground for us to cover together. I pray you walk with me.
