Mad Season

Well, I need you now
Do you think you can cope?
You’ve figured me out.
That I’m lost and I’m hopeless.
I’m bleeding and broken,
Though I’ve never spoken.

I come undone
In this mad season.

~ Matchbox Twenty, “Mad Season”



Anniversary Trauma in Abortion-Induced Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder


Recently, I was asked how I know that the post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) with which I struggle was induced by my abortion. After all, I was also in a serious motor vehicle accident as a child, during the winter I turned twelve, and it is a factor. But we’ve already learned that it is not at all unusual for those who suffer from PTSD to have multiple traumas in their histories. As I understand it, we attribute the disorder to a single traumatic event by identifying when the symptoms of the disorder appear; finding the “last straw.” Consistent with the conditions as defined previously, I developed my first symptoms of PTSD a few months after my abortion. I had not suffered any ill effects stemming from previous traumas, psychological or physical up until then.

There are many other reasons why I am able to identify my abortion as the source of my PTSD/PAS. Memory loss surrounding the event is one. For example, I cannot remember the exact date of my abortion; only that I had finished the school year, and had not yet started my full-time summer job, so it was in late May or early June of 1979. I should remember the date, because my mother’s birthday falls in late May, and there must have been some kind of sarcastic remark from her about “What a gift.”

Just reading my narrative of my abortion shows plenty of personal testimony to feeling traumatized – you go ahead and read it; I can’t stand to look at it, and that’s a sign in itself. And further evidence that my abortion was personally traumatizing can be found in my medical history and journals from a specific time every year, increasing in intensity as the years have rolled along: evidence that I am suffering from anniversary trauma surrounding my abortion. From mid-May until about mid-June of every year, I enter into Mad Season.

During a typical Mad Season, I get sick – physically, emotionally, cognitively, and psychologically sick. And I do odd things – one year on May 13th, I put down a full pack of cigarettes and just said, “I’m done with that,” for the next eighteen months. I have been a smoker since – well, since I was in the womb, essentially, thanks, Mom. That year, I lost my mind for about a month, from anniversary trauma complicated by nicotine withdrawal. Everyone around me learned just how mad, and how angry, I was, although no one could have known the cause then. Near the end of June, I “awoke,” looked around, and wondered who that insane woman was. I lost my job later that year; when the time came for lay-offs, I was an easy pick. No one wants to be around an angry and confused person.

In 2003, Mad Season came along just as I was on the Doctor-Go-Round in neurology, trying to find out what was wrong with me. I was taking an anti-seizure medication called Topamax. I would love to tell you how this drug works, but even its manufacturer doesn’t know that. However, of the four mechanisms mentioned by which it might work, all are related in some way to the neurophysiology of the stress response. I stopped this medication because of its side effects. At the time, I thought all of my experiences were due to the drug, even though my neurologist denied this. I started keeping a detailed record of how I felt as I withdrew from the medication, because I was experiencing serious problems with my memory and concentration. Below are some excerpts from my journal from the time, describing what I called “episodes.” I now recognize the symptoms of panic attack, which was probably brought on by the drug because it made my heart race. [Interesting side note: The heart is also known to some neurologists as the “mini-brain.” It sends more signals to the brain than it receives. I think a racing heart can trigger the brain’s fight/flight/freeze response, and in my case, my internal pacemaker is not working correctly.] With the sole exception of the eye pain, which I later confirmed is a side effect of the medication, every other sensation described below, as I now know, is a physical symptom of post-traumatic stress disorder, occurring at the same time of year when I aborted my first child.

[edits are bracketed]

Monday June 2nd [2003]

More pain. Jts. [translated, “joints”] (hip); foot cramps; back muscles.

Episode: [Triggered by] repetitive high pitched sound. It hurt. I felt the muscle in my head directly over my ear move – “hitch up.” Then I became frenzied. The base of my spine [was] burning (there was urinary urgency). My thoughts were racing – I can’t remember them now, but my emotions were intense. I walked – no, paced, from room to room, but I didn’t know why. My heart was pounding and skipping. My mouth was bone dry. My muscles were twitching (like a panic attack? Pain?) My speech was impaired. This time I “recognized” it, I think – I don’t recall, really. I came to the bedroom and lay flat. Within 5 minutes [my husband] came in and I was able to tell him. I was still having speech problems [stuttering and stammering, looking for words]. After 15 minutes or more, I felt normal. Got up to finish vacuuming. Recorded at 2:50pm.

Current – ribs hurts[sic], “dental” pain is back; back is mucho bad; feet very bad (tight arches); I’m due for 50mg Topamax tonight and I think I’m done. Tailbone burns like fire. Mood is improving and the fog of confusion is lifting. I am starting to feel more like myself. I do not know where I have been. Topamax reduced a lot of symptoms but the price was too high. Right eye is still very sore, sharp and dry feeling.

4:30pm. Both eyes hurt. I get a headache when pressure’s wrong on my seat – it’s a lot like the [spinal] tap headache. Feet really hurt. Teeth, too.

June 3, 2003

Felt feverish, temp 99.5. Some blackout rising too quickly – went to full 1mg Cardura last nite blood pressure should be low, no big deal. Get up more slowly.

June 4, 2003

Mood and personality much improved. Getting a lot of tremble in hands.

Episode: At the computer. Sat down to complete a short email form and compose a two paragraph note. Ron [my husband] was talking as I was trying to proof and re-edit. The trembling in right hand increased and I could no longer see cohesively (no gestalt?). I couldn’t comprehend what I was reading. I could see the individual words but only one at a time. I could not see colors on the monitor but sharp white “eye noise.” My head chimes. I could not comprehend what Ron was saying although I could hear his voice.

Trembling.
Dry mouth.
Pain at base of spine/lower back
Hostility – spoke sharp-voiced. I was in a _____. There’s no word.

He pulled me away from pc, I layed down and it slowly subsided.

June 5, 2003
Episode as it happens: woke 5:50 severe headache {& crying - bad drm writing @7:37 am I had a nightmare I woke crying with a headache as if I had an episode while sleeping. Yes the dream evoked intense anger and tension. My calves keep flexing as do my ankles}
Wrote lengthy email
- can’t stand still strange symptoms
Tears and tremor

11am wrote email lost time, 45 min. This one’s bad. Always dry mouth. Lower back pain. Xtreme urinary urgency; tears in waves; chest, heart, pressure in throat? Dry mouth even when not stipulated; laying flat to get relief? Headache.

1pm Hang in there.




In The Body Bears the Burden, (see sidebar link) Dr. Scaer tells us that anniversary trauma is a “rarely reported but well-documented example of trauma reenactment,” (Scaer, p. 92). He gives us this explanation:

“One needs to remember that all animals, the human species included, possess innate neurophysiological mechanisms sensitive to the passage of time based on seasonal light variations and even the phases of the moon…Once again, endorphin-based reward systems associated with this cyclical arousal could well provide further impetus to the repetitive reenactment on the anniversary of the trauma,” (Scaer, p. 93).

As anniversary trauma regards abortion, Dr. Theresa Burke, in Forbidden Grief (see link at sidebar), writes that “researchers have found that women are more likely to experience depression, suicidal ideation, nightmares, difficulty concentrating, abdominal pain, cramping, headaches, and increased relationship conflicts around the anniversary of the abortion or on the anticipated due date of the aborted child than at other times,” (Burke, p. 97).



In other news:

I recently added a link at the sidebar to “Life Matters,” an excellent pro-life television program with the potential to reach 30 million viewers. I was privileged to tape two episodes a couple of weeks ago at their Life Studios facility here in the Valley of the Sun. In one episode, I give my testimony, and speak to the program’s host, Sally Sisk, about my attempts at suicide because of my abortion. In this segment, I was honored by and grateful for the presence of Georgette Forney, co-foundress of the Silent No More Awareness Campaign. In the second episode, Sally and I discuss the physical consequences of long-term post-traumatic stress induced by abortion: serious, potentially disabling and deadly chronic illness and pain. Sally has been working in the pro-life movement long enough to have discerned for herself the connection between abortion and chronic illness. It is our hope that this program will be helpful and informative. I am finding more and more women who are suffering from chronic illness and who are also post-abortive. If you are one of us who hurts, I would like to hear from you, too: email me at abortionhurts@aol.com. Confidentiality is guaranteed, and no, you don’t have to be religious or even regretful; abortion hurts, either way.

I will post the airtimes in a few weeks, when the schedule is announced.